The Victim Olympics

The Athletes! The Coaches! The Fans!

Ah, the Victim Olympics! The year-round event took the nation by storm eight years ago. When it began, no one could have imagined its success. As it has now reached its end, let’s look back at its incredible run!

The Athletes

This is a diverse group. A variety of gender, ethnicity, and socio-economic backgrounds abound! One needs only to have a dedication to maintaining victim status, no matter the absence of evidence to support it.

Let’s meet some of the medaled victim athletes.

Mary is a veteran athlete with many victim medals to her name. She has invisible disabilities and an emotional support “service animal” that she takes on planes, into restaurants, and grocery stores. She goes the extra yard and sits her pooch on her lap on planes so that it can “talk” to the passenger next to her. In restaurants, the dog always gets a “seat at the table” like the good girl boss she is! And a shopping cart adventure always awaits the canine princess, so she can stomp her little street paws all over the basket into which someone’s food will be tossed. Mary is also known to place her service animal on the counter of the favorite coffee spot, while “Mama” taps that payment and gets her pastry and coffee.

Mary’s background includes not feeling special at all, and yet not taking the time to develop and hone any skills to talents she might have herself that differentiate her. Additionally, she has a deep bitterness at not being included in social events, but has rarely behaved in a way that would cause anyone to invite her back. She has the perfect combination of victim athletic talents to triumph in the Victim Olympics!

Mary’s gold medal this year was awarded for her outstanding victim performance in the grocery store! She was unloading her groceries onto the belt at the cashier. The pooch needed to stretch her legs, so her long leash was tied to the cart. Of course, poochie was looking at something in a nearby aisle, with all six feet of that leash stretching across the main artery of the store. Ah, it was glorious! Two other shoppers were coming their way with their carts and couldn’t pass; the leash was blocking them. What to do?! One of the shoppers took hold of the leash and pulled the dog over to Mary, so they could get their carts past.

At this point Mary momentarily fumbled and began to apologize for inconveniencing them, but then quickly recovered and hit them with a slam dunk: “Why are you touching my dog?! DON'T TOUCH MY DOG!” The shopper replied with a “No one touched your dog.” Mary was not deterred, and countered with “DON’T TOUCH MY DOG!” as the shoppers moved away from her. Victim Gold Medal material, indeed.

Georgina is a Victim Olympics favorite. She really bloomed during the Covid Shutdown of 2020-2022. She hails from Los Angeles, CA, so the extra long shutdown in that area was perfect for her! It was during this time that Georgina found her identity and life’s purpose. She became an “epidemiology expert” overnight, lecturing her friends with statements she had memorized from that day’s online news media fear-mongering dump. Her parents’ years-long refrain of “Why can’t you get a job? When are you going to apply yourself?” was now countered with “Mom! Dad! How can you possibly ask me that?? Don’t you know that people are DYING?!” This shut Mom and Dad up right away! Georgina moved onto loudly shaming people 20 feet away from her for not wearing a mask outside.

Georgina showed Victim Athlete promise at an early age. As a small child, she didn’t have the tolerance for other people being in the spotlight. Other people’s birthdays, sibling’s sporting events, and parents’ “happy news announcements” were especially troubling for her. She noticed at this tender age that making a scene by accusing someone else of “wronging” her, turned the spotlight onto her instead. It never lasted long, though. And so, you can imagine Georgina’s joy when the Covid Shutdown began. Finally, a moment in society where her talents could be showcased and appreciated!

However, Georgina’s gold medal was earned after the covid years, with a truly elevated performance. Once the shutdown was over, she began to claim “trauma” over the smallest slights. An expert at spotting micro aggressions, Georgina could manufacture PTSD over something that others simply didn’t have the talent to catch. A flick of a wrist, a raised eyebrow, the way the cashier handed over her purchases. Nothing could escape Georgina’s eye! She brought all these injuries together for an incredible Victim Mental Breakdown, resulting in her unable to leave her apartment. She even capped it off with a GoFundMe to raise money to pay for her rent and her beloved latte’s while she was “too stricken to do anything.” She successfully evaded responsibility for anything. Mom and Dad must be very proud of Georgina now with her Victim Olympics accomplishment!

Shane was our Victim Olympics decathlon winner, two years in a row.

He is an expert at out-victiming victims. When accused of any wrongdoing, Shane could always come up with a trauma in his own past that trumped whatever he was being accused of. If he was accused of suggestive behavior bordering on sexual assault, Shane would counter with the fact that he had been “groomed” by his 2nd grade teacher. Never mind that no sexual assault ever befell Shane, the suggestion was powerful enough!

Shane had always been a jealous and resentful fellow, assuming competition with anyone and everyone in his path. Nursery school and kindergarten were his first training grounds. Here he discovered the teacher’s special attention right after he protested the unfairness of others’ looks, intelligence, and coloring book prowess. He further developed this skill in high school, where his new tools of manipulation could give the illusion that he was superior or “getting ahead.” Always loathe to give up his special “victim rights,” Shane was constantly on the lookout for the slightest thing about which to take offense. Therapy was never on the menu for Shane, because that would “fix” things— a real no-no for a true Victim Olympic Athlete, as they need to stay “troubled” for maximum medal contention.

Ultimately, Shane’s decathlon wins were specifically for his Victim-By-Proxy status he attained by marrying a woman who qualifies with her own Victim Status. Additionally, their children have modeled their values and goals on those of their parents’ and are already taking offense quickly. Future Victim Olympic gold awaits them in a few years! Shane took Munchausen Syndrome and Munchausen-by-Proxy conditions to new heights and the results were Victim Olympic gold.

The Coaches

The coaches should be noted for their tireless work of encouraging not only the Victim Olympics Athletes, but anyone they assumed was a victim. Echos of their unwanted and misplaced, “Oh, you poor thing!” encouragements still ring in the ears of non-victims today! In order for these coaches to qualify for the job, there always needed to be victims. And where no-one were found, the coaches could always slap an assumption of someone nearby. Where would we have been without them?!

The Fans

Surprisingly, a lot of the fans were members of the media. One can understand why! With so many aspiring victim athletes out there, the media became the Victim Olympic’s biggest cheerleader. “Give the people what they want” is the motto, after all! The media fans fawned over these athletes, giving endless coverage to this victim phenomenon. We can’t blame them; it was the hottest event of the decade!

Yes, the Victim Olympics was a special time in the Woke Era for the Debbie Downers, the Hall Monitors, and the Party Poopers to really shine in their newly-found, faux-trauma-laden identities. Now that society has moved on, we wish these athletes well on their attention-seeking journey, but without the the splendor and praise that came from the Victim Olympics.

All the best to them!